Wednesday, January 28, 2009

This is not my beautiful house. This is not my beautiful wife. How did I get here?

I have a little tattling widget that tells me, among other things, what search terms land people on this blog.

I check it every so often.

Mostly, people are googling my name, and often the title of the blog or just "blog." These are people who mean to get here. They are remarkably consistent about spelling my name right, which is otherwise rare.

Before I left for Billings Montana, and again after my name appeared in the paper there, it seemed that half of Montana was wondering what was up with me. That's okay. You get a pretty decent sample on this blog, and my google results do not, at this date, include anything embarrassing or inaccurate. I do get a little creeped out when I find people googling my friend's names, for some reason. So I'm not going to repeat their names here. Except ...

There was this one the other day:
Ken Chiacchia facebook (user from Rome)
Aunt Linda, Ken doesn't have a facebook page, but he has a nice blog.

Apparent kindred spirits and fellow seekers find us:
the dog trainer from england is she a fake

drivey australian shepherds (visitor from Michigan, spent a while tooling around)

One of my most popular posts for the Googles is Abusive Boyfriend Dogs and Bunny Boiler Bitches. Landing there have been these searches:

Boyfriend's dog bit me -- cell phone googler in Illinois
my boyfriend's dog is possessive of me
a bunny that is good for a boyfriend and girlfriend to have -- user from the Columbia University server
how to spot a controlling boyfriend -- London, Engliand
bunny boiler bunny bolier (sic) behavior
What dose (sic) bunny boiler mean
(user from Oxford England)
keep Bitches Employed bug (from Bulgaria)
"Bitches are trying to collapse, but I am stronger" (Santiago, Chile)

Funny thing is, I think I did a pretty good job of defining the terms and addressing some of the issues that were on these people's minds in that post, whether or not the googlers had anything "dog" in mind.

I don't think I can help the Columbia student on his or her relationship-building rabbit project, but good luck kids, house rabbits can be quite charming pets and produce good houseplant fertilizer. Just shield your lamp cords.

I think the Bulgarian and Chilean googlers lost something in translation. I do not want to know what. Or are those rap lyrics of some sort? Again, don't answer that question.

Sometimes googlers land on my blog because of my penchant for whimsical, ironic, and obscure post titles:

Time for a Few Small Repairs
You won't find the lyrics to the excellent Shawn Colvin song here, but thanks for stopping by. Also, I'd always thought that Sunny was a high-school girl. Housewife? Really? Wikipedia may not be authoritative on this matter ... but then, I also thought Shawn Colvin was about 20 years younger than Wikipedia says, too.

Mystery Tree
Probably still a mystery for you, but mine is definitely a Bradford Pear.

"the unbearable cuteness of being" -- Brisbane, Australia
I guess I wasn't so original.

"chelsea arthur"
There are a number of young ladies with facebook pages, etc. with this name. As far as I know, my white easter-egger chicken is the only one who has mutton chops resembling those of the 21st President of the United States. Because "Arthur" is not a Greek surname.

A lot of people google wolf-related terms, including "raised by wolves," which may or may not reflect them looking for this blog. Probably mostly not.

Others included

the lady who raised wolves in pittsburgh (visited twice) -- user in McKeesport, PA
Now I want to know about it! Someone raised wolves in Pittsburgh? Do tell!

my husband was raised by wolves honda
Oh yeah, that's a cute car ad. I like Hondas too!

world population wolves
I have no idea, but let me know if you find some hard numbers.

There are search terms that don't bear further thinking
reform an abusive puppy trainer
lap chickens -- IL Mac user
general directions of giving first aid (Please! Just call 911!)
satan's jockstrap at hotmail dot com (user from London, did not stick around)

My post on Country Dog, City Dog gets a fair number of topical hits, such as
"country dog" "city dog"
suburban dogs vs. city dogs

A lot of googling on the marketing names of fake "designer" crossbred dogs land on At Least, Don't Buy This. I sure hope these people read the post. Could save them money and heartache, and save the pups and parents untold suffering.

cavi-poos puppies

toy poodles are whiney needy little dogs

And oh yeah, trainettes on that whiny, needy little discussion board -- I could see where you were linking from, and followed your conversation. Not sorry this post offended your virgin ears. Just amazed at how fast a defective thinker could go from "She says mean things to people who buy dogs from pet shops and makes them feel bad and we should never make people feel bad," to "The only way to shut down the puppymills is by making breeding illegal!" 'Cuz it would be mean to make consumers feel "bad."

And my favorite to land on that post, someone in Germany actually googled this phrase, in all caps just as shown:

It is the second hit if you google that phrase. Why? The terms don't appear in the post itself. Can anyone enlighten me? Clearly my understanding of how search engines (even those with non-lame algorithms) work is missing some important pieces.


  1. OK, now you make me want to Google you with some weird-ass phrase...knowing that you look at that stuff. Will be trying to come up with something soon...

  2. Hi,

    My name is John Lowe and I am a Graphic Design Major at the University of the Arts in Center City, Philadelphia. I actually came across your blog by googling your name in relation to your article entitled "Insanity Defense" from the encyclopedia of Psychology. Specifically the section that deals with the success rate of the NGRI defense.

    I am working on my senior degree project which is centered around discussing the theories behind what leads serial killers to commit their acts. In the project I have included a section on the history of what we consider Insane in modern law as a kind of back bone for discussing the other theories.

    I was hoping to use an excerpt of your article as a professional opinion along with opinions from other sources such as Helen Morrison MD, Peter Vronsky, and Shirley Lynn Scott. Feel free to email me at or with your thoughts. Thanks so much for your time.

    -John Lowe

  3. Fun post. I used to be on the receiving end of search engine phrases and had to add terms to certain documents that weren't being retrieval in searches (but should have been). However, our algorithm wasn't anywhere near as complicated as Google's, and I won't pretend to understand fully how Google works. Those pigeon clusters are really mysterious...

  4. One hit that made me kind of sad was "what should I put in my project about Golden retrievers?"

    Unfortunately, the kid hit my post linking to an article about a GR attack on a child that was, in the words of the trauma surgeon, the worst dog attack he'd ever seen.


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