Friday, July 18, 2014

Banish the Ghosts of (Other People's) Pets Past

Meet Lebowski.

He's the new assistant "barn cat," by which we mean, cat whose food bowl is on top of the fridge in the barn well out of scamming dog range and who has whatever house privileges he chooses to avail himself of.

As he's currently snack-sized and naive, he lives in protective custody in the house, mostly occupying whatever keyboard I'm trying to use, until he has enough mass to start apprenticing with Gollum.

But we've already put him to work. He wants to live in the farmhouse, by gum he needs to contribute.

Currently his only talent is absurd cuteness. As it happens, there was an opening for someone with his exact qualifications.

And The Dude has qualified as a finalist!

Voting runs from today to July 31.

One random voter will also win $2K worth of flooring*

The ugly floor in the photo?

Not the farmhouse's worst floor. Not even third-worst. I'm currently de-booking my office so that I can remove the carpet that resurrects the spirit of some previous house owners' incontinent pets whenever the ambient humidity goes over the stank threshold. I'd assumed that there was an old pine floor under it, but have found only a particleboard subfloor. So this is not going to be addressed with a rented sander and a can of floor paint.

Then there's the hallway, and the aged bordello-red carpet in the bedroom. And the cheap-azz slippery laminate in the living room that I worry will cause a dog to skid out and blow a knee one day.

Every time I start fixin to do something about these floors, the Budget Gremlin knocks a hole in something that is supposed to be waterproof, or in the bottom of the well, or in a Subaru transmission, and No floor for you!

If you feel moved to allow Momma to floor her office in something other than the cheapest vinyl planks that fall off the back of a truck and end up at Ollie's, you can do so at the link:

Do it for the search dogs' kneecaps. Do it to cleanse the lingering spirits of someone else's pets. Do it to erase the interior design crimes perpetrated against this 116-year-old house's dignity in the past 30 years. Do it for the chance to win your own new floors.

Do it for The Dude.

* But Houlie, sez you, I dunna haz a house! Or I haz a house, but it is outfitted with floors already!

Dude, donate that shit to Habitat for Humanity. Or your local equivalent. 2K Karma points.


  1. Current stats as of 2014-07-18T0940:

    Lebowski - 40%
    Luck - 23%
    Calvin - 17%
    Jagger - 8%
    Ollie - 6%
    Navi - 3%

    Let's make that commanding lead into an insurmountable one!

    -Ben M

  2. * I have no idea where the other 3% went . . .

    -Ben M

  3. I voted for you, but didn't sign up for the contest.
    I don't like it when a website wants that level of information just to enter a contest. At best, they should be requesting name, email address and POSSIBLY a contact phone number so they can contact the winner. All that other information can be collected from the winner after they are chosen.
    They just want too much "Personally Identifiable Information" (PII) for a simple contest entry (especially the BIRTHDATE!!!).
    Grrr... (Yes, this is a pet peeve of mine. It's a subject we are trained on annually in my job.)

  4. Nice early lead. Do we vote everyday?


    1. This is a one-and-done contest, but a TWO WEEK voting period, which is frankly, fatiguing.

  5. I've voted (really hard to pass up that beautiful Aussie for a cat though).

  6. Voted for Lebowiski who still has a 40% lead. Go kitty!

  7. I voted for you and filled in the other crap - I thought you were going to use Cole and now find an apprentice barn cat - Lebowiski is a terrible name - you did better when you named Merlin these many many years ago. Love Dad

    1. You are full of shit old man.

      I NEVER got to name a single goddamned animal.

      Oh yeah, full responsibility for caring for all of them, but godforbid I get to name my own pet.

      Meanwhile, The Dude abides.

  8. I just voted for Lebowski, who still posesses a COMMANDING lead!

  9. Bovine excreta - you named the kitten "Merlin" in the car on the way home after I stole him from little Joey Kovachs - You named "Rafferty" the dog we kept from Shannons second litter - for all I know you named all those mice, goldfish, who lived in the zoo we called your room - and how about the albino cockatiel you named "Harold". And who got you the 'dustbuster' to clean the cedar chips in the zoo. Love Dad
    Maurice T Houlahan - your old man.

    1. Time to start shopping for Cheapest Possible Nursing Home.

      Mother imperialistically named everydamn animal and then promptly ignored everything else about them. Twelve-year-old kids do not name dogs after aged-out pop singers.

      I owned a normal gray cockatiel, called Hamlet.

  10. WilsonZoo--change your DOB, the rest is public info.
    My vote is a small thank you for years of blog help in raising our first ES etc.
    Also, for the vicarious pleasure of reading about search and rescue. Got any more stuff to vote for?


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